Christmas in Konoha
by Minoten
Summary: Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke as well as certain harbingers of DOOM provide bizzare interpretations of classic Xmas tunes.
1. Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum

**Sakura:** Welcome to a Ninja X-mas. There's snow everywhere, and we're in Konoha, and other things are happening! Hey! Here he is now, the bringer of cheer and goodness! Kakashi-sensei!

**Kakashi:** Here we are... Fell-izz Na-Navy-dayed, people, and welcome to Christmas in Konohagakure!

**Naruto:** Look! It's snowing!

**Kakashi:** Sure is, my little nutcracker prince.

**Sasuke:** (grumbles) I hate snow.

**Naruto:** Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow! Snow! ... (etc.)

**Kakashi:** Calm down, my little X-mas goose! Come under the mistletoe and give me a smooch.

**Naruto:** (stops, stares at Kakashi in silence) ……………………Snow!

**Sasuke: **Bah Humbug.

**Sakura:** Awww…Don't be a Scrooge, Sasuke!

**Kakashi: **That's right! Tonight we're going to run some of everyone's favorite shows, and sing some carols!

(reindeer noise and jingle bells in background)

**Naruto: **Hey! Hey! What's that?

**Sakura:** "Do you hear what I hear?"

**Kakashi:** It sounds like... it sounds like...

**Sasuke:** Aw, hell...

(Music begins; They all "sing")

**Sakura: **Up on the housetop, reindeer pause,  
Out jumps good old Santa Claus,  
Down through the chimney with lots of toys,  
All for the little ones, X-mas joys.

**Kakashi:** Ho ho ho.

**Sakura:** Who wouldn't know?

**Kakashi:** Ho ho ho.

**Sasuke:** Who… wouldn't go…

**Kakashi:** Ho ho ho.

**Naruto:** Look, it's my toe!

**Sakura:** Up on the house top, click click click,  
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.  
First comes the stocking of little Nell,  
Oh, dear Santa, fill it well,  
Give her a dolly that laughs and cries,

**Naruto:** Wah!

**Sakura:** One that will open and shut her eyes.

**Kakashi:** Ho ho ho!

**Naruto:** Hee hee hee!

**Kakashi:** Ho ho ho!

**Sasuke:** Mwa... Ha... Ha.

**Sakura:** Up on the house top, click click click, Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick.

**Naruto:** Click click click, click... click... click click click.

**Kakashi:** Yo ho ho,

**Sasuke:** And a bottle of rum.

**Kakashi:** Yo ho ho!

**Naruto:** Click click click, (keeps clicking in background)

**Kakashi:** Up on the house top, click click click, Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick… (hums to himself)

**Naruto:** Click click click, ca-lick, ca**-_LICK_.**

**Kakashi:** (stops humming) Oh, sorry.

**Sasuke:** This stupid X-mas Special will be right back.


	2. Dance of the Candy Canes

NOW BACK TO OUR SHOW

**Naruto:** Kiss me, I'm missing a toe!

**Sakura:** Welcome back to "A Ninja X-mas". You know, the smell of frozen snow always brings back the memories of when I was a little Sakura, in the choir!

(Music begins; Sakura and Sasuke "sing")

**Sakura:** Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

**Sasuke:** Gabba gabba hey, gabba gabba gabba hey.

**Sakura:** That's not how it goes!

**Sasuke:** Yes it is.

**Sakura:** Oh. (pause) Naruto, start the tape over.

**Naruto:** (rewinds tape to start of song)

**Sakura:** Deck the halls with boughs of holly,

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey hey.

**Sakura:** 'Tis the season to be jolly,

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey hey.

**Sakura:** Don we now our gay apparel,

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba hey, click click click hey.

**Sakura:** Troll the ancient Yuletide carol,

**Sasuke:** Gabba gabba hey, gabba hey hey hey.

**Sakura:** Don we now our gay apparel,

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey.

**Sakura:** Troll the ancient Yuletide carol,

**Sasuke:** Gabba gabba hey, gabba hey hey hey,  
Gabba gabba hey, hey hey hey hey!

**Naruto:** (watching Santa drive by on motorcycle) See the blazing Yule before us.

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey hey.

**Sakura:** Strike the harp and join the chorus,

**Sasuke:** Gabba gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey.

**Kakashi:** Follow me in merry measure, (flies through ceiling)

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey.

**Kakashi:** While I tell of Yuletide treasure, (out in space)

**Sasuke:** Gabba gabba hey, gabba hey hey hey.

(Kakashi falls back to the ground with a crash)

**Sasuke:** Gab-ba hey, gabba hey hey.

**Sakura:** Don we now our gay apparel,

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey.

**Sakura:** Don we now our gay apparel,

**Sasuke:** Gabba hey, gabba hey, gabba gabba hey hey.

**Sakura:** Don we now our gay apparel,

**Sasuke:** Gabba gabba hey, gabba hey gabba hey,  
Gabba gabba hey, hey hey hey hey!

**Kakashi:** That just didn't sound right.

**Naruto:** Click!

**Kakashi:** Ehhh... X-mas is a warm time, a warm time of togetherness and family, of love and happiness. Y'know, that reminds me of the time Sasuke was beaten like a defenseless little baby by his big brother! Heh heh heh heh...

(Sasuke glares most hatefully at him)

**Kakashi:** Here they are - my most evil and hideous of enemies, Orochimaru, Kabuto, Itachi...

**Sasuke:** (hisses)

**Sakura:** Sasuke, that's not very X-masy...

**Kakashi:**...Haku, and Zabuza! They're here to sing "The 12 Days of X-mas"!

**All:** On the first day of X-mas,  
my true love gave to me,

**Haku:** Hi, my name is Haku!

**All:** On the second day of X-mas,  
my true love gave to me,

**Zabuza:** Two plus eight is ten,

**Haku:** Hi, my name is Haku!

**All:** On the third day of X-mas,  
my true love gave to me,

**Itachi:** Three reruns of "What's Happening,"

**Zabuza:** Two plus eight is ten,

**Haku:** Hi, my name is Haku!

**All:** On the fourth day of X-mas,  
my true love gave to me,

**Kabuto:** Four quesadillas,

**Itachi:** Three reruns of "What's Happening,"

**Zabuza:** Two plus eight is ten,

**Haku:** Hi, my name is Haku!

**All:** On the fifth day of X-mas,  
my true love gave to me,

**Orochimaru:** Leonard Nimoy sings!

**Kabuto:** Four quesadillas,

**Itachi:** Three reruns of "What's Happening,"

**Zabuza:** Two plus eight is ten,

**Haku:** Hi, my name is Haku!

**Kakashi:** Enough! That was pitiful.

**Naruto:** Click click click.

**Kakashi:** Here's another show while Sakura bakes us some X-mas goodies. (sniff sniff) What's that smell, Sakura?

**Sakura:** It's your butt roasting over an open fire.

**Kakashi:** Oh. Watch the show, I've got a goose to cook. Ow, ow, ow!

(He runs off, his ass ablaze… leaving the kids with their enemies.)

(Silence)

**Itachi:** Y'know, X-mas just wouldn't be X-mas without Sasuke doing the Dance of the Candy Canes for us.

**Sasuke:** WHAT!

**Itachi:** Come on Sasuke, it's Auntie Mei's favorite!

**Sasuke:** Uggghhhhuuuccck…

**Itachi:** Well, how about Jingle Bells?

**Sasuke: **No way in hell.

**Naruto:** Okay! One two three four! (band starts playing) Hello Cleveland! Anarchy in Jingle Bell Land! Yowwwww!  
Jingle bells, jingle bells, yeah, alright!  
Jingle, jingle, jingle bells, yeah, wa-wow!

**Sasuke:** God save the Queen!

**Naruto:** Yeah yeah yeah!

**Sasuke:** She ain't a human being!

**Naruto: **Click click click click click click click!

**Sakura:** Hee hee hee!

**Sasuke: **Alright! Thank you...

**Kevin Meaney:** (appears for 0.5 seconds, looking puzzled)

**Sasuke:** Jingle bells, jingle bells, clickin' all the way,  
I bought some clickin' jingle bells for cheap at Pick 'n Pay.

**Naruto: **Jingle bells, eh, er, um... click click click click,  
Don we now our gay apparel! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah!

**Sakura: **Bring it on home, boys!

**Sasuke:** Jingle jingle jingle jingle jingle bells!

**Naruto: **Yowwwww! Good night, San Diego! You cats are beautiful!

(Roaring applause)

**Naruto: **Well, that's it. Thanks for watching! See you next X-mas! Peace on Earth and good will towards men, women, and whatever Haku is.

(Haku stares)

**All:** We wish you a Happy Birthday,  
We wish you a Happy Birthday,  
We wish you a Happy Birthday,  
and a Happy Birthday!

**Zabuza:** We wish you a Happy Birthday,  
We wish you a Happy Birthday,  
We... man, this is fucked...

**Haku:** We wish you a happy merry,  
Merry merry happy birthmas,  
We wish you a X-mas birthday,  
and**… Naruto's days are now numbered.**

**Kabuto:** Now bring us some figgy pudding,  
Now bring us some figgy pudding,  
Now bring us some figgy pudding,  
and bring some right here.

**Orochimaru:** A Happy Birthday, to you and your kin,  
we wish you a Happy Birthday and a Happy click click!

**Itachi:** Good tidings to you,  
And all of your flesh,  
We wish you some figgy pudding,  
and a nice Halloween!

**Kakashi:** We wish you a merry birthmas, and a X-mas New Year!

**Naruto:** A Ninja X-mas has been brought to you by... by some things... right, right over there... and, uh... Goodnight, everybody! Hey, uhh.. Haku, whatcha doing with those needles - OW!


End file.
